please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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