You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
