pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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