You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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