we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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