I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
There are leaves in my underwear?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
