I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
