I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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