Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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