broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
