Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
