Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
