I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
