When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
