you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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