I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
