Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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