my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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