Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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