Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
