they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
