Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize