whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
