i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everything about him screamed your future.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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