chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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