I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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