Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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