I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
