There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
