U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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