Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
