I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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