so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
