I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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