it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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