I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
