I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
