I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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