I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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