At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
