I'm so fucking centered right now
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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