the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
