i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
