had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
