Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
