I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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