And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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