two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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