see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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