he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My breasts were aching with rage.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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