there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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