my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
