I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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