I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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