Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
