neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
