$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
